Worse

HAHAHAHAHA... this new blogger template is so crazy! But I like!

I like how I can now see all the stuff I've written from the beginning of time all displayed in neat squares. Looking back, there were so many memories and boy, do I think highly of myself. But wait! This is not the time for reminiscence. We shall leave that until 2012. Ohohoho~ I can't wait to summarize how this year went, what I did and didn't, and what to look forward to in 2012 (London Olympics, hello!).

I don't know why but there's this constant excitement in me that's so looking forward to the end of the year and new year! I don't have plans, really, I guess I just like looking forward to how everyone's especially jolly towards the end of the year, how warm and happy Christmas makes me feel. I went to the Gardens today and suddenly thought of how they used to play Christmas songs during the season and got happy from the thought.

There was so much negativity in my blog for the past months, or when I chose to blog about anything at all. I never cease to complain and whine about work. Well, 2011's basically that, W. O. R. K. But tonight, I'm in an especially grateful mood, pretty hard to come by, I would say. Tonight, as I sat bathed in the warm glow of my yellow/orangey cheap Tesco lamp, I wanna write. Seeing all my past posts all lumped together inspired me to blog good and proper. Oh, in case you're wondering from the lack of updates here, no, I'm not gonna drop this blog, even if no one reads it anymore, I still need a place to keep me sane. Put your hands up who's reading!!!

...

Fine. Awkward silence you suck.

Right right right, back on track! About being grateful. I was driving home one night, once again at about midnight, the road's empty, music's playing on the radio and I was talking to myself. I reiterated all the stupid that happened, prep talking to myself and suddenly a cliche lighted up, I thought, it could have been worse.

Getting ideas shot down by Boss. It could have been worse. Boss could have been an awful man and not be nice about it at all.

Getting work revised and finally changed into something that's not mine at all. It could have been worse. Boss could have been someone with no design sense and thought Arial's cool, when we all know Arial's just a Helvetica-wannabe.

Getting my confidence and self-esteem trampled on. It could have been worse. It could have been all just for spite instead of for work.

The past month left me feeling really battered and worn out. Sometimes I didn't know what I was doing here. I felt so insufficient. Opportunities were aplenty but I simply didn't have the ability to seize them.

And it could all have been worse. I could have been in a place where designers are not valued, merely machines that do design and not allowed to think. I could have been in a place so safe, so secure, that I'll never make any mistakes because there are simply no opportunities to make them, which also by default means no opportunities to succeed.

But luckily, I am here. Still here.

I am not saying this place is the perfect place for me. But it could have been worse.

Edit 5 minutes later: The first paragraph won't make sense anymore coz I switched the template back to the old one. I just realised in the new template, it has all these +1, tweet and FB like nonsense. I'm sure there's a way to take them away but I don't have the leisure to do it now, so back to the old comfortable, PRIVATE template for me. Eheh. Oops.

The W Word

Work can kill the passion of what you are doing if you're not careful.

It's the repetition and ritual. Doing the same things over and over again, to a point when I'm really tired and I'll question myself, "What am I doing here?"

I'm telling myself it's still worth it.

I listened to this radio segment and the deejay was talking on the topic of leading the kind of life you want. There was this one part I couldn't help but agree. Despite all the fall backs, disappointments and doubts one might encounter, it's important to ask yourself every now and then, if whatever you're doing is leading you to the life you want.

Really, I don't know what kind of life I want. Not concretely anyways, does anyone?

All I know is if work still brings a thrill to me when I'm beat and tired, it's okay, I'm still on the right track.

Work. Sounds so much like an obligation, a responsibility. Something everyone crawls out of bed in the morning for. It's what makes Monday blue. It's what people trade their soul and passion for in exchange for bread on the table (gawd... so melodramatic).

One of my friends from secondary school just got engaged. She blogged about the whole proposal and I couldn't help but feel so touched and envious at the same time. It was the most perfect and wonderful proposal I've heard of. It's not right to compare lives, of course, but I can't help but let one of those moments creep up on me and ponder.

Surely life is supposed to be more than just work?

What the TOOOT

Got all these lovelies from Yueh Yih's album.

It was just supposed to be a weekend where we gather among ourselves. But lo-and-behold, some unexpected people turned up and we ended up having a mini-gathering of Georgians in KL. As always it was great seeing old friends again. It's interesting, seeing them where they are now, different from where you might expect them to be from secondary school.

A biologist who is pursuing an MBA.

A peer already earning the big bucks when I'm still in school.

An economist whom I thought hated numbers.

A constant finally making a change to her life.

A lunatic who is beginning to make sense.

And me, nothing. Expected.

I love this angle! Makes my face look sharp and yeng!

Anyways, had some rotten luck which sorta spoiled my excellent mood. I lost my wallet don't know where, must have dropped it when I left my bag unzipped? Rm200 cash, RM50 cash card, IC, license, ATM card, Haagen Daaz Ambassador card, Student ID, dobi receipt, one Guan Yin scripture amulet thing and my paper map design wallet, a gift from Shiau Fong from London. And oh, I got a summon from parking by the side of the road at Bukit Jalil. And yeah, took a wrong turn on the way back from KLIA which resulted an hour's detour and an extra RM8.60 for toll. Had to borrow money from people but still insisted on eating expensive food which is soooo out of my league now.

Not the worst of luck. In fact, I'm quite lucky. Still good. But but but... aih, just let me whine a bit. I'll feel better.

On a totally random note, I wanna go somewhere I can breathe. Just me and the wide open sky. Fuhhh.....

missed the date

still couldn't listen to that song

is a fool no more

Why I Blog

You're reading this post most probably through subscribing to this blog with a reader or directly clicking on my blog's link on any blogroll. The point is you're reading this voluntarily and not because I shove the link into your face. This is the reason why I feel more secure putting down my thoughts here as opposed to sharing it on Facebook or Twitter. Mypencilstories is my own tiny niche in the world wide web, mine but far from being private. You are reading what I chose to write. You are reading because you wanted to and I never asked you to. So pray tell, if you're ever offended by my thoughts, why should I care? Well, that has always been my rationale regarding freedom in blogging. But this thought has been slightly altered as of late.

How blogging started for me.

I think I started blogging in... Form3? I discovered it in Friendster, "Thoughts of Shy Goghvinci". Through blogging I discovered my ease with words and the ease words bring me. I find it easier to pour out my feelings by rapidly tapping on the keyboard. But the ease of feelings doesn't just stop there, it comes from the assuring fact that there are people reading and maybe, just maybe, someone reading cares.

Blogging from those days earned me the understanding of an important friend. I think having read my words allowed her to learn more about me thus bridging the gap between us. I am not easy to understand as a person, I sometimes purposely make it hard. But through my blog, I am glad she managed to see me. Yes, Adrienne, I'm talking about you (or didn't you realise this?).

For myself.

I blog simply for myself. Okay fine, I blog initially for the attention. I like reading people's comments. I like the interaction that happens. But soon I realised I don't have that many readers anyway so it gradually became I blog for myself. For my deteriorating memory. Like really. When I tried to recall what happened in Form Six, all I could remember was my horrid results. I don't remember details. Reading back on old old posts allows me to travel back through time and read for myself the person I was then.

Gah. I can't even remember what class I was in in Form3!

For design.

This blog only ever become active back when I was in Year2. It was then when I realised I can blog so much more about the mundane happenings in my life. I can blog about the things I've learnt about design and the work I did. With this blog, I record most of my creative processes and my growth as a designer. With a name I love and can totally relate to, "Pencil Do The Thinking" became both my personal and design blog.

For friends.

Blogging is an extraordinary way to keep in touch with friends. Once, I had this group blog with five other friends. We update it frequently with things that happened, thoughts and opinions on anything and everything. I have lost count on the number of times I was touched by the motivation, encouragements and love carried across to me by mere words. But like everything else good, our shared passion for the blog slowly ebbed away. The fact remains the experience was something I'll never exchange for anything else.

For readers.

Did I mention I love the attention blogging gives me? When you're here, reading about me, well, the starring role naturally belongs to me, right? I don't have many readers, I think I mentioned this before too. But for however little there is of you out there, I sometimes blog with you in mind. Not often, but it happens.

Blogging with discretions.

Oh, and a concluding paragraph to my opening. Once I felt that a blog is one's personal space where one can just rant and write and pour all out without qualms. You chose to read this. I didn't force you. That's my rationale. But I've come to see what blogging without discretions do to a person.

I read about people who rant non-stop. Post after post full of anger and frustrations. And then I find my perception of that person changed. I don't mind the ranting and all those negativities, you have every right to say what you want, but at what price? People look at you differently. As much as you think there's nothing wrong with saying anything you want on your own page, from that moment onwards, people will think differently of you.

Some might say they don't care what people think. When you show yourself losing control of your emotions, you are actually showing people your vulnerabilities. As much as I let people read about what I do on a day-to-day basis, I can't stand to let random strangers know my real thoughts. This is the main reason why I will blog with discretions. To protect myself.

Lastly, blogging is good for the soul. =)

Woes of September

It's not right to always put nice nice things in here. After all, this is my personal design blog that's supposed to keep track of everything I've done design-wise, feelings and struggles throughout the creative process and of course, self-criticism on my own work. I revel in showing my own designs here that I'm proud of. On the other end of the scale, I'm ashamed to show these sub-standard work. I know I am better than these. But by the end of me struggling to save the design, I simply thought numbly "I don't know how anymore."

Maybelline brief. Design a graphic to put on a bag. The brief is pretty loose, so long as it's able to portray the spirit of Maybelline and New York.

I did some shit first. Composed several images and sent it over to the lecturer for approval. But after I set about executing it, I gave up. I don't see the point in tracing over images with no real purpose in mind. Fine. Scrap that. Start over.

Then I did this ornate design thing. I love it. Really. But the feedback I got back from the lecturer was "I have nothing to say, hope the client like it." Well, that did not tell me much, did it? So I turned to some people I hope will be able to give my some honest feed back. The general consensus was it looked like stock vector (never mind the fact that I drew and traced it painstakingly in AI). And then there's the ever reliable Yueh Yih. Comments memang tak bagi muka one. I showed it to her, and she out right told me, "Re do." I was just trying to make pretty things, not thinking. I hated her. Must she be so honest, even if I asked for it? Every designer is fortunate to have such a jerk for a friend. Good for the soul. Strictly no sarcasm intended.

Then I proceeded to redo this thing. And finally came up with something I could have cried over by the end. It's like shit.

It's bad when I couldn't even look at it directly. I look at it from far far away and couldn't see a single thing. Handing in this work filled me with helplessness. I couldn't really blame this on procrastination. I had ample time. This time, I just couldn't pull it off. Maybe I was thinking too much when the simplest of graphic would be enough.

But for the heck of it, I am owning up to this work (but no way is this piece of crap going into my portfolio). Owning up to it as I would my other designs that put a beaming smile on my face.

Ahh... solemn solemn post. Better things will come. It has to.

Not Good.

Very very scared now. The last time I procrastinated like so things turned out horrendous. I know it's awful for me to hope my classmates are slacking in their work as well so that I'm not left alone among this pile of work.

Gaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.....!!!!!! I can't think for the advertising briefs. I HATE advertising.

That's why I'm gonna start on something simpler, the Maybelline brief.

Dear BPD8, if you're reading, WORK! Please work so hard and make me feel bad about slacking. I depend upon your momentum to propel me forward as well.

Bah.

When in Doubt

I know of people who can't stand be taken advantage of. They might insist it's a matter of principle. Despite what people perceive of me, I have trouble standing up for what I think is my right. Even when I'm sure I'm right, I give myself lengthy pep talk for a semblance of reassurance. Unconsciously, I have developed this mental image of a weighing machine every time I encounter situations where I doubt my role. I weigh the pros and cons from all angles, adopting a tit for tat attitude.

But then recently, I have gotten tired of calculating so much over peanuts. It might be the right thing for me but not necessarily the right thing to do.

When in doubt, be generous. Not an easy thing to do.

Restlessness

A day will pass then another and another and another... until it's the end of the year and the end of my life as a carefree student. Now's not a good time to get cold feet. I don't know what I am not ready for. All I know is I am dulled by the present.

I need a bigger world.

"Idiot."

A Letter to Me

I stumbled upon this beautiful song sung in three different versions, three different languages, all touching in their own way. The main message in all three versions is a letter to oneself from the past. They are all about the hopes and dreams when we are young and how our present selves view these aspirations.

This Japanese version should be the original version. This is the one most beautifully sung of all three. If you paid attention to the lyrics, though the message is sombre it is truly uplifting in the end.

This is the Sammi Cheng canto version, which is my favourite of all three. Though this also has an uplifting end, the lyrics made me very afraid. I am at a point in life where dreams come easy and the world's in the palm of my hand. Though I may face a lot of difficult choices and questions, the wonder of it all is I still have choices. The scary thought is when these choices run out, and one day, all I might have left are my broken dreams. Will the thirty-three year old me, look back from the future, and still see Me?

And this is the Mandarin version, the one that affected me the least. This is nice in its own way but does not resonate with me at all.

I will want to write a letter now, addressed to myself ten years later. In the letter, I will write down all my dreams, my fears and my great loves. When I grow up ten years later, and read back the letter, I will want to be able to tell the twenty three year old me that all is fine. I will want to be able to tell me it's okay to dream, that I have removed all obstacles and it is all just, fine.

Will you write a letter to yourself too?

Doubt

Sometimes I doubt.

I don't know.

Are they mine or.

When was the last time I gaze into the stars?

It was by the side of a highway where the bus broke down.

It was utter darkness save the flashes of headlights zooming by.

The sky was a sea of glittering diamonds.

Had I reach up, my hand will glide upon its dark liquid silkiness, scattering the stars, that blink like fireflies.

I might doubt.

But there are no other ways.

This is the only one I know.

So I doubt.

So?

Indifference

Saturday 3 April 2010. 4.08 pm.

Album design progression: 0%

Due Monday 5 April 2010. Mock and all.

Die. Go wither and die in shame. You have my blessing.

Of Anger and Bittersweet Memories

Tonight I was brought face-to-face with my anger. My anger is quiet, seething. I was not sure it's even there until I felt it react to the slightest provocation. I didn't think I cared before and even made excuses for the insensitivities. This is what I call giving up in slow-mo. I simply... do not care and will not make effort, anymore?

*****

It was the same place where memories were built. Things took a change for the better. This time, I didn't reminisce in bitterness and wallowed in self-mockery. This time, I recalled for how these moments were meant to be. They made me smile, albeit sadly. Nevertheless, they made me smile.

Unadulterated Abhorrence

i am not made that way.

no no no no no.

it's a bit too late to realise this.

it's too much when i finally see it for what it is.

it's not pretty.

it's not a a moment.

it's a mistake.

it's not fuzzy anymore. just crystal.

i don't want it.

take it back.

go go go go go.

i deserve more, better, but will settle for less.

no no no no no.

i am not made this way.

unadulterated abhorrence.

for myself?

no no no no no.

just memories.

treacherous memories.

tonight is not a good night.

Thoughts on a Solitary Night

There was one night when I didn't want to go home. The night ended fairly early, and home was the last thing on my mind. I think the caffeine in my blood played a part in this inspired-restlessness.

So I drove. Rather aimlessly. Over the bridge and back. Paid RM7 needlessly. Burnt one bar of petrol. O well. I've always wanted to be... doing nothing spontaneously. Hah.

*****

"Sipper" - Definition: A person who is a temporary time-filler until appointed date arrived, in which so-said 'sipper' will be asked to leave.

I am no one's "sipper". Umph.

*****

Coffee has this amazing effect of pumping your blood and set you on a temporary high. I finished painting my wall after so-said high. All the while coffee only managed to make me sleepy. This revelation was both terrifying and exhilarating.

*****

Spontaneity is liberating. Telling yourself the right time will come or setting a time limit for creating milestones are simply lame excuses to hold yourself back. Questions will not push you forward, only holding you back. But if you really have to ask, ask this: "Why not?"

*****

The best way to learn swimming is to start at the deep end. Does it really matter if things didn't work out the way you intend them to? I can still afford to have nothing to lose. Failure is, after all, how one gains experiences.

*****

The day has come when I look at the phone and he did not cross my mind.

"It's not about what he said, but what he did. Actions do speak louder than words. And oh yeah. Memories are deceiving."

Eek. Yellow!!

World.

This is my new hair.

shit.



*****

I wanted orange. Really bright and orangy. It'll go so well with my green Ts.

It turned out bright, all right. Like, reaallllllyyyy bright. It looked blonde. Yellow. With only a hint of the orange I wanted. I was devastated. Really sad.

But then it struck me, yellow-blonde-with-hint-of-orange is a colour I will NEVER go for. NEVER even entered my mind since I NEVER wanted it in the first place.

So... in a way, it's a rather charming mistake, no? This is going to be something that will only happen once in my life, since I have no intention of repeating it. Other than earning me rather curious looks in mall, I think I can work well with this colour.

O well. I can't change it. So I'll just have to like it. I don't love it. But then again, I am at peace.

You know??

Children

I am only 23 (this year) and yet I do feel old. Old not in the sense of physical age, but the feeling of how far the gap between now and my childhood has grown. Having kids running around at home serves as a reality check once in a while. They grow up a little more every day, slowly advancing to different phases in their lives.

Sydney's in Standard One this year. The picture above was taken on her first day of school. Of all my nieces, she's the one most apparent in her desire to grow up faster. One of the factor could be her seeing the way I am leading my life. She often mentioned things like wanting to grow up, so that she can have her own room, buy her own things and do many things she isn't allowed to since she's still a kid.

Silly girl. I want so much to just hug them to my chest to stop them from growing up. You can be an adult forever. But as a child, you have only that one period, and once it's over, it's over. Adulthood is so over rated.

Standard One is a whole different ball game. This is when real peer pressure starts. This is when parents begin to compare achievements. This is when she will realize for her self, what kind of a person she wants to be. She will learn to like something for a reason, and not just because it is expected of her. This is when she will truly build herself.

I grew up with a very healthy dose of self-esteem. Primary school was when I realised I am very good in studying and was always the girl parents compare their kids to. Primary school was also when I was the most selfish and ignorant brat. If you knew me then and has received multitudes of mistreatment and cold shoulders from me, I am sorry for your misfortune. I think I am better now.

Dear Sydney, be brave. Go and play. Be a kid. And I will try to be a good aunt, forgiving your mishaps and blunders, knowing I have been there and have probably done worse.



When we were waiting in line at Hong Kong Disneyland to meet Mickey, I asked Iris if she was nervous (Iris is Mickey's biggest fan). She answered me this, "Mickey is fake one la. It is some other people."

Sigh... I was disappointed not in her knowing that Mickey's actually a disguise. I was disappointed and sad over her loss of childish innocence.


Kids. Seriously. Slow down...!

Last Post of 2009

Dear 2009,

You ROCK!!!!

You have been one of the best years in my life and I am sad to see you go. What will your big brother 2010 have in store for me, I know not yet. As the last moments towards end of the year tick closer, I shall celebrate your passing with a heavy heart.

I have never been fond of resolutions for I know it has never been easy keeping them. However, looking through my previous posts, I realized, I have made resolutions for you. From Hooi Fong, she wanted me to meet new people and to widen my network. For myself, I resolved to get to know the people around me and not be afraid. Brilliant you have made this possible for me. I have been terrible with people in 2008, but you, you gave me opportunities which I was happy to seize.

I braved myself to meet up with old friends I have never been comfortable to be alone. Some of these experiences are never to be repeated, some were so delightful those meetings became frequent, and others, made way to unforgettable experiences.

So many things have changed. I have more control over my thoughts and not let it wander too far. Self consciousness have been checked in bay, allowing me to be happy with friends, without me worrying about them not liking me. My mind have been more open, and my heart lighter. 2009 has made me into a happier person.

With 2009, I have encountered many new people and situations. I am glad to say I treasured every single memory of the people I have met. It's like jigsaw puzzle! I have not fitted in so well into anything for a long time. I felt assured. Belonged.

I was very laid back, holding on to the motto 'Living for the moment' like a lifeline. This was the hardest I have played yet. I languished in moments bringing new experiences, things I have never tried before. Truly enjoying the moment is only possible by not letting my mind go off to far, not letting myself over-think things. As giddy and intoxicated as I was wandering about in a dream, it's time to wake up. Reality awaits in 2010.

I have more focus and aim now. Next year will be my ultimate final year as a student. I will work my ass off to maintain my CGPA, if not improve it by a teeny bit. I will savour the freedom to go where ever I want without any liabilities or responsibilities, liberty that only life as a student can provide.

2009, I have been very happy. And content. But I have also been very sad. And cried so much. Good or bad, brilliant or devastating, you have been the best.

Signing off on the last post of 2009,
Quin


ps: As for you, my blog reader, thank you for being here through this year. Knowing there are people reading, catching up with my updates as well as commenting on my posts have kept the motivation in me to blog.

Till next year... 2010, the beginning of the end.

痛愛

仍然難禁看著你這個壞人　有什麼的吸引
殘酷至此更讓我想靠近
心知要換個別人還是有人
如同前世欠下你的吻　還怎麼敢怒憤
已習慣親朋好友問我怎會為你等
學會講只因這種狠深得我心

＊喜歡你讓我下沉　喜歡你讓我哭
　能持續獲得糟蹋亦滿足
　喜歡你待我薄情　喜歡你為人冷酷
　若是你　也發現　你也喜歡虧待我
　我就讓你永遠痛愛著我
　(我願讓你愛上我更加多)＊

和諧甜美永沒有天意弄人　有什麼的吸引
誰待我好　我就會不過問
偏偏踫著那壞人　全部誘人

全球情侶故事也相近　寧願天昏地暗
要為錯的人傷過恨過　方算是勇敢
長世間不喜歡開心　喜歡痛心

Repeat（＊）＊

I have fallen in love all over again with Eason Chan. Here, he sang Joey's song. It sounded so sad, especially in the chorus. Thus it inspired this little snippet of pain and hurt below (Rui, don't over react, these are just words):

"I can't smile anymore, for I think only of you. Even if I forced myself to, it wavered through my tears.

I have no expectations, only dreams.
I didn't dare hope my dreams will come true, only allow me to continue owning them.
You made no promises, so how could you break a thousand?
There were no attachments, so what was it that got disconnected?

So painful. So very painful yet it is only a pinch compared to the wrenching pain it could have been.

I didn't know I was only dreaming it all, until the day I open my eyes, and woke up. Finally."

I will be going back to Penang for good tomorrow. Hand in the report and that's it. No more living just for the moment. Every step must be calculated. Every second fully utilised. I want my three months break to mean something, and not to be just squandered off, again.

It ends tomorrow. Let it pass soon, so I can stop hoping.