‎"得一個人竟也不孤單
作伴有我夢我影我身"

Will talk more about this when I have the chance. Hee.

My Mom Blogs

Omg... my mom is so amazing. And her English's definitely more eloquent than mine:

http://mohbe99-2b-alive.blogspot.com/

Do visit her blog. Oh my, she blogs and I found out about this on Facebook! There's only just one post inside, I hope she continues to write. I know it's stupid, but doesn't it bemuse you sometimes to discover that your mom/dad is really a person, with thoughts and feelings, hopes, dreams, insecurities just like yourself. It's a humbling experience to see my mom through her writings, she's like this stranger who is thinking things that I didn't know she's thinking.

Do you get me? Will you ever think about getting to know your parents? No right? Coz it's like, they are these people who have been there your whole life, so what is there that you didn't know about them? It is here that we have underestimated them.

And nope, so not letting my mom know I blog too. It's... disturbing, okayyyy!

Worse

HAHAHAHAHA... this new blogger template is so crazy! But I like!

I like how I can now see all the stuff I've written from the beginning of time all displayed in neat squares. Looking back, there were so many memories and boy, do I think highly of myself. But wait! This is not the time for reminiscence. We shall leave that until 2012. Ohohoho~ I can't wait to summarize how this year went, what I did and didn't, and what to look forward to in 2012 (London Olympics, hello!).

I don't know why but there's this constant excitement in me that's so looking forward to the end of the year and new year! I don't have plans, really, I guess I just like looking forward to how everyone's especially jolly towards the end of the year, how warm and happy Christmas makes me feel. I went to the Gardens today and suddenly thought of how they used to play Christmas songs during the season and got happy from the thought.

There was so much negativity in my blog for the past months, or when I chose to blog about anything at all. I never cease to complain and whine about work. Well, 2011's basically that, W. O. R. K. But tonight, I'm in an especially grateful mood, pretty hard to come by, I would say. Tonight, as I sat bathed in the warm glow of my yellow/orangey cheap Tesco lamp, I wanna write. Seeing all my past posts all lumped together inspired me to blog good and proper. Oh, in case you're wondering from the lack of updates here, no, I'm not gonna drop this blog, even if no one reads it anymore, I still need a place to keep me sane. Put your hands up who's reading!!!

...

Fine. Awkward silence you suck.

Right right right, back on track! About being grateful. I was driving home one night, once again at about midnight, the road's empty, music's playing on the radio and I was talking to myself. I reiterated all the stupid that happened, prep talking to myself and suddenly a cliche lighted up, I thought, it could have been worse.

Getting ideas shot down by Boss. It could have been worse. Boss could have been an awful man and not be nice about it at all.

Getting work revised and finally changed into something that's not mine at all. It could have been worse. Boss could have been someone with no design sense and thought Arial's cool, when we all know Arial's just a Helvetica-wannabe.

Getting my confidence and self-esteem trampled on. It could have been worse. It could have been all just for spite instead of for work.

The past month left me feeling really battered and worn out. Sometimes I didn't know what I was doing here. I felt so insufficient. Opportunities were aplenty but I simply didn't have the ability to seize them.

And it could all have been worse. I could have been in a place where designers are not valued, merely machines that do design and not allowed to think. I could have been in a place so safe, so secure, that I'll never make any mistakes because there are simply no opportunities to make them, which also by default means no opportunities to succeed.

But luckily, I am here. Still here.

I am not saying this place is the perfect place for me. But it could have been worse.

Edit 5 minutes later: The first paragraph won't make sense anymore coz I switched the template back to the old one. I just realised in the new template, it has all these +1, tweet and FB like nonsense. I'm sure there's a way to take them away but I don't have the leisure to do it now, so back to the old comfortable, PRIVATE template for me. Eheh. Oops.

I wanna burrow my head in the sand and go back in time. But no, I'm an adult now, and adults don't run away. Adults face dragons head on and stick out their tongues and fake bravado.

Fuck this shit.

And adults are allowed to spew profanities. Hah.

Snailmailing

I remember when I was a kid, how excited I'll get when there's a letter in the mailbox addressed to me. Even today, in the era of technology and Facebook, I still find magic in hand written postcards and letters. However I might be more prone now to receiving summons than birthday cards.

This post is a tutorial on how to make kids happy. I bought some really cute letters, envelopes and stickers to send back home for the kids. Each letter contained different simple messages. For the boy that has yet to learn reading, I drew. I've also included stickers into each of the envelopes so that when they are opened, the stickers will fall out like colourful confetti.

It makes me happy to make them happy. Hopefully these images will make you happy too. :)

From the phone. The blogger app.

Is it better to feel anger, let everything that hurts lacerates your pride, in a way unleashing all the negativities. Strong waves of emotion wash away feelings, leaving one feel cleansed, empty, and blissful, maybe.

Or is it better to control yourself and feel indifferent, guard your heart and put on your best poker face. Feeling indifferent is less tiring, less dramatic. It's like giving up, throwing in the towel. Giving up to save yourself.

I don't know. All I'm thinking is, can this month be over already?

A Break

6.07 pm. I'm going home soon after a four months absence. I have no words to describe how much I miss home. Today's an awesome day! All of a sudden I have $$$ rained on me; claims, petrol money, etc. Suddenly I've got all these petty cash to cover my expenses back home. Alrighty!

May I say how turbulent August was/is? So many things happened that once again prompted me to think about my goals and plans. May I just have one day back home, go chill at the beach and just contemplate? You know, like an old man looking out at the sea thinking about the past, I wanna sit there and look and design my future.

Oooo... have you ever heard of an amazing deal such as this: one day leave in exchange for a 9-days break!

My blog has been in such abandonment. I couldn't even manage more than a couple of post a month. I don't have that many things to say about myself anymore. It's work, work and work. Ahh.

DUO

I love Eason Chan. I think this is the first thing I tend to let people know about myself... like an ice-breaker of sorts. However, I'm not that sort of fan-girl that scream at the sight of him nor do I memorise his birthday or hates his wife. I liked him many many years back. Maybe when I was in Form2? I just happened to find out that he is the singer to this song I liked very much, 幸福摩天轮, and that was it. His album was the first original that I bought, I cried and laughed to his songs. As I grew up, I looked upon him as more than a pop idol. I was inspired by his attitude and passion in life. My perception of life has largely been influenced by him. Nothing too complicated, simply living life and enjoy the moment. Inspired by him, I do the things I love and dared to pursue impossible dreams.

Hah! A rather lengthy opening but I just love to share about why he's so great to me.

Anyways, he was in Malaysia for the DUO world tour concert. Needless to say, I was there. What was so different this time was I was there in all parts, from the time he was in Sg Wang to promote the concert, to the concert, and finally to a small gathering post-concert.

I remembered the first time I saw him, real-life, very up close. I was so giddy with happiness that I shook his hands and said something encouraging to him. This time around for his autograph session in Sg Wang, it was rather cool. There were a lot of fans, the MC of the event was asking the fans to speed things up so that everyone could get an autograph, and if possible, just let Eason sign and not even shake his hand. However, Eason insisted in shaking everyone's hands, look them in the eyes, and said "Thank you." I was happy from that session, but far from feeling my feet of the ground like the first time. I thought to myself, "Die! Is my love for him fading?!" Darn... so drama.

Gawd... this post is getting so lengthy and I am running out of steam to write it. Bah. Let's just get to the pics.

The concert this time around, truthfully, was not the best. His songs and voice, as usual, was great. However he didn't seem to be really feeling it that night. His encores were usually very long, but he only encored five songs that night, so the concert ended earlier than expected. Gah, and he sang some mandaring songs that I wasn't familiar with. There were so many songs from his DUO album that I was looking forward to hearing but wasn't sung.

I've been to his concert three times prior, the last two times with 41. Unfortunately, she couldn't make it last minute. Umph. I was really disappointed that she couldn't make it, I thought we can have the chance to catch up on each other's life and to enjoy the concert together. But nevermind. There'll be more opportunities in the future, right, LIMA RATUS EMPAT PULUH SATU?!

What made the concert this time really amazing was the post-concert gathering in Hilton KL. Do you know that I am a paying member of Eason Chan's official Malaysia fan club? RM30 lifetime membership *peace*

Anyways, it was arranged for the official fans to have this small gathering post-concert with Eason. On the way to Hilton KL, I was with my colleague who's also a fan (we were at the concert together), we got lost so many times! I hate KL roads. We missed an exit and had to make so many rounds to the point where I gave up in trying to find our way to Hilton. I was sooo dejected. I don't know why, maybe luck was with us, we managed to langgar our way to Hilton, and to the gathering!

While waiting for Eason to come into the room. Mann... we both looked asleep on our feet.

Even before he came into the room, I didn't dare believe that this is going to happen. It's like a dream come true!

When he finally made his appearance, I thought, "He looks small." I guess I was so used to seeing him on screen, on stage, he seemed like a celebrity, out of my reach. But now that we were in the same room, he's like a normal guy, in jeans and T, looking really tired but still smiling at us, because he's awesome like that.

I managed to snap a few pics on my iPhone before putting it away and drinking in the sight of him. People clamored around him, me included, and we stood there listening to him talk. Some asked him questions, which he patiently answered. He was there. Just there. Talking, joking, smiling, laughing. My gawd. I was in the same room with Eason Chan as if I knew him personally.

Before leaving, he took the opportunity to shake every of our hands. He shook my hand, look me in the eye, and said "Thank you." I was stunned. So stunned. He looked so tired but his eyes were so alive and my gawdddd.... he looked so good! I swear I'll never say he looks ugly again.

The whole session lasted about 20 minutes. His assistants were actually rushing us to cut it short and waiting to escort him away. Eason might be unaware because he wouldn't stop talking! He would talk talk talk and slowly back out of the room, then suddenly come back in just to finish what he started. Then he went out again, then come back in to say another thing.

After the whole thing ended, I was just so happy.

This pic is now my iPhone lock screen wallpaper. Everytime I see this I couldn't help but smile. Eason Chan, I love you, please don't die.

Hee. Ta!

So like, a really quick one.

I'll be going to Eason Chan's DUO concert tonight! Amazing song list! I don't wish to jinx this, but might my fondest wish come true tonight? If it does, I'll be sure to blog about it here.

Have a good weekend yourself, peeps!

If I have money, I will:

1. Shop in Singapore. Get myself new jeans, new dresses, new tops and nice Ts.

2. Take my car to a carwash.

3. Buy a mattress.

4. Buy an iPhone casing.

5. Buy books from Bookxcess.

6. Screw it. Buy books from Borders.

7. Buy a headphone.

8. Drive home every two weeks.

9. Join a gym.

10. Go for facials.

11. Go Jaya Grocer and buy every kind of imported ice cream.

You know what. I really don't know what I will do if I really have money. Umm.

Ciak Pa Liao

Yay~ first home video. The girls were reenacting a scene from "Money Not Enough 2" I think, or some Singaporean movie. They watched the clip countless times on Youtube and could act out on a whim.

I missed my niece's first birthday yesterday. Another family thing I missed. Hmph.

24

24 is just a number, can?

No.

First

After working for approximately five months (omaigawd, approaching half a year!!), I finally did what I personally think is a milestone in my career. Okay, this is where my self-conscious mode kicks in, "It's not really that nice, in fact given more time I think I can do better, and heck I'm not trying to show off!!"

BUT. I'm gonna be all professional and calmly present to you a game which I designed from beginning till the end. When I say design, I mean visually, from the characters design to the game interfaces. Programming and animation credits go to my insanely talented colleagues.

Timeline for this was tight, as was every single brief that came through our door. Unlike back in uni when we had months to work on a project, this was a luxury unseen in the working world. Due to timing and circumstances, I found myself strapped with the design for this game. Had it not for the way things happened, I might not have this awesome responsibility of working on this on my own. The first project where I can say it's my design.

There are still so much that I need to learn, sometimes I don't know where to start. But getting thrown into the deep end of the pool is good sometimes, you're forced to swim, no matter.

So do go to (http://bit.ly/share-itz) to play the game on Facebook! Play together with a friend and you might just stand a chance to win iPads and some amazing prizes!

The W Word

Work can kill the passion of what you are doing if you're not careful.

It's the repetition and ritual. Doing the same things over and over again, to a point when I'm really tired and I'll question myself, "What am I doing here?"

I'm telling myself it's still worth it.

I listened to this radio segment and the deejay was talking on the topic of leading the kind of life you want. There was this one part I couldn't help but agree. Despite all the fall backs, disappointments and doubts one might encounter, it's important to ask yourself every now and then, if whatever you're doing is leading you to the life you want.

Really, I don't know what kind of life I want. Not concretely anyways, does anyone?

All I know is if work still brings a thrill to me when I'm beat and tired, it's okay, I'm still on the right track.

Work. Sounds so much like an obligation, a responsibility. Something everyone crawls out of bed in the morning for. It's what makes Monday blue. It's what people trade their soul and passion for in exchange for bread on the table (gawd... so melodramatic).

One of my friends from secondary school just got engaged. She blogged about the whole proposal and I couldn't help but feel so touched and envious at the same time. It was the most perfect and wonderful proposal I've heard of. It's not right to compare lives, of course, but I can't help but let one of those moments creep up on me and ponder.

Surely life is supposed to be more than just work?

Fatttt Dragoon

Food for the soul~ Yay!

Of 24 Candles and New Toy

Guess how I celebrated my birthday?

Haha... this is a post long past due. Anyhow, I still want to archive it for it's one of the good ones I've had.

For my birthday this year, I wasn't expecting any celebration. I was away from family and also in a new environment. Another thing, I took down my birthday from Facebook, somehow recently birthday reminders from Facebook be it mine or others seemed so insincere.

It's rather awesome coz surprises occurred one after another. Firstly, my new housemates surprised me with a cake when I least expected it, two days before my birthday. They found out the date from my IC, when I gave them a copy for house renting documentation purposes. Truly, I hardly know them that well and yet they went out of their way to make me feel special. Thank you guys!

Then on the real day itself, people from office burst into a brainstorming session and started singing a birthday song for me. Whoa... I felt rather awkward and embarrassed to be the center of attention, but on the other hand rather pleased too. Thank you IFians! (none of them will be reading this, I hope)

I actually spent my birthday slaving away in the company. There was some work to rush and I didn't leave until about ten at night. Once back in my room, I bathed and settled in front of my comp to work on the stuff I brought back. Then all of a sudden, a wave of excited human bodies flung themselves through my room door, singing out of tune birthday song and bringing along a Baskin Robbins cake. Omg... the bodohs of #16 didn't forget about me. Feeling rather stupid myself for being so touched by this.

So all of us, new and old housemates, sat down in the empty leaving room and dug away happily at the ice cream cake. There was so much chatter, everybody's trying to catch up with one another. I miss those bodohs a lot. It felt great to poke fun at them and be laughed at too.

I was supposed to blow at candles and make wishes. But I didn't make a single wish on any of the three cakes. I was happy enough, I didn't need wishes then.

Mom and bro gave me cash to buy myself something. So I bought this! Eason Chan's newest EP and also a brand new Jumbo sketch book plus some fine liners. I wanna drawwww....

Bodohs of #16 with Stella and Tham. Awesome Eichi taking the pic for us. Thank you guys, for making my 24th birthday amazing!

And ohohoho~ on a more recent note, I bought myself a brand new phone. This is bought with my own hard-earned money. Not a single cent from my mom and all that stuff. ALL MINE. New Toy. New Love.

And I'm finally confirmed in my company. I'm a real working adult now. Life is good. =)

First Threadless Tee

This is my first design post in a while. Partly new, partly recycled.

Yo!! This is my first time submitting a design for Threadless! If you've kept an eye on my blog, you'll recognise this from my global warming poster. Well, I thought it looks kinda nice on a tee, so why let it go to waste.

Support me please! I need people to help me vote on this design. But you'll need a Threadless account first, I think. So if you have the time, sign up for an account, and vote for me! There are a lot of other nice designs there, you'll might find something you like, so the account won't go to waste (I guess).

All votes appreciated! Vote high!

ps: Do YOU think this design works on a tee? If not, why? Thank you thank you!

Vote here: http://www.threadless.com/submission/334483/Global_Warning

The impulse was too good to be true anyway. =(

Not today, not tomorrow, but one day.

To Appraise

It has been three months from my first day of work. I had my probationary appraisal done and was a bag of nerves before it. I wasn't really confident if I performed well and at the same time I was very eager to know what they think of me.

At first, the group head did the appraisal with me. I guess the questions were pretty standard where I was asked a lot of questions about my experience with the company, how I think I performed and where I think I can improve. It was more like a sharing session where he got to know about my experience and I can get some of my questions answered.

After that first session I was suddenly called again to have a talk with my direct superior. It felt a little out of the blue. He sat me down in the chill room and invited me to share about my thoughts. We had a brief talk about me, him and the company. It was awesome in a way coz after coming out from the room, I was pumped to do better for myself.

All this sharing got me thinking about what I want to do for the rest of the year. A quarter of the year has passed and I am not really quite near to achieving my goals. I know 2011 is going to be hard. This is not a year to talk about reaching high and be ambitious. This year is about me sharpening my technical skills and learn as much as I can from the really great people around me.

I love working for several reasons. The best of all was being given real responsibilities, real work. It bemused me sometimes when they will just throw a job at me regardless of whether or not I know how to do it. From here, I can either do very poorly or do fine, learning along the way. It's all really cool. Another reason I like where I am right now is the people. Clearly they are good in what they do. So I think I am in an enviable position where I get the opportunity to work closely with them.

During the appraisal, Mr. Direct Superior asked me what is it that I love. Do I love design? Where does my passion lie? What is it exactly that I want?

These are questions that stumped me. I can tell you I like design. Very much. I happen to think I am of the lucky few in this world where my day job is actually my passion. Graphic design doesn't pay well for fresh grads. I am willing to endure this for I know pay will get better if only I am willing to start (I hope).

However, I have come to realise that only talking about how much I like something are merely words. If really I am passionate about something, I will be willing to sit down and just work at it. Hack hours and hours away in honing my skills. I have always believed that passion triumphs talent. But I question how passionate am I really in this. Surely where I am standing right now doesn't show what I have been saying all these while.

I cannot see where I will be in a few years' time. But I can dream of that destination. Nothing is impossible if only I start. Stop looking around and concentrate on myself.

Remaining three quarters of 2011. I am committing myself to three things:

1. Know Flash

2. Know Web

3. Illustrate

To be where I want to be, I will need to begin. So when I question myself again, I will know the answer.

First Quarter

Quarter of the year has passed, how have you lived yours?

I made some resolutions beginning of the year, surprisingly I did make some progress.

1. Be happy.

I am content with what I have right now. Starting to fall into the routine of a working adult and getting used to the company. So yea, am good.

2. Learn how to make things move.

I know Flash! I've learnt some basic animation skills in Flash, thanks to doing a lot of banners at work. Though what I know is nothing to shout about, I do think it's an accomplishment for myself.

3&4. Learn how to code and illustrate.

Didn't happen.

5. Read 50 books in 2011

It's only March and I've hit 13 books. Progress is on track.

6. Start and finish my Eason Chan Artbook.

Didn't happen.

7. Save money for camera, laptop and holiday.

Didn't happen. However, I've set a short term goal for myself. In two months, if I'm still gung-ho about it, I'll go and get it.

8. Run.

Semi-happened. Just need to keep it up.

9. Lose fat, be healthy.

I've been eating a lot of salad lately. However, am addicted to junk again. So hard to lose the habit.

10. Be happy.

I really am.

Dear Blog,

You are getting a revamp this weekend. It's high time.

oklaa... so maybe just change header image and background colour.

I've worked for three months since Jan but it's only today that I got a full month's pay for the first time! Two days were cut from my pay in Jan coz I started work on the 3rd. Feb was coz I took 1 1/2 days unpaid leaves for CNY. Then in March, finally, my first full month pay! Screw EPF cutting off a chunk!

I'm only blogging about this here coz I don't want my boss to read this on FB. If I were to post on Twitter, it'll be too much to type. So yea.

Looking forward to May when Rui will be down again and when I'll make another trip back home. =D

The Late Post

When my niece was five, I sent her a birthday card by post while I was in KL. The timing was off when I got back home but the mail has yet to arrive. When the post arrived, my niece was ecstatic thinking it came from her kindy friend. We didn't have the heart to burst her bubble. Receiving mail from an aunt who's already there with her kinda defeats the purpose of sending the card in the first place. It always makes me happy to make my little nieces and nephew happy. It's easy. Just do anything I wish could happen when I was a kid myself.

Grownups

Love this. Live this. =)

The Perfect Sunday

Finally there's internet in my new place and also finally, being able to blog in my own time, in complete privacy.

The perfect Sunday:

Waking up on my own accord and not due to the alarm.

Leisurely shopped for groceries and not having to worry about buying fresh produce coz there's a new fridge in the house.

Cooked lunch albeit failed pasta sauce.

It rained cats and dogs and for once, I am indoors, looking out at the congested Kota Damansara traffic and thinking, "Luckily I didn't go out."

Huddled under my cozy comforter on a gloomy rainy afternoon.

Finished a book "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" over dinner. I finished half of the book in one day. The first half was slowly read over the span of two weeks, often at night when I was too tired to manage more than a chapter.

Restored my iPod and it now has 24GB worth of songs in it.

Today was good. Totally ready for tomorrow.

Tralalala~

Haiyaaaaakkkkk!!!!

Am forcing in a useless post just for the month of Feb. This blog has been going through a dry spell for two reasons. One, I'm working most of week now, there's really nothing much that happens which is not work. Two, there isn't any internet in my new place yet. Therefore can't blog for leisure.

This post is crafted in the office while waiting for files to be uploaded. Working life gives a whole new meaning to weekends!

Life has been productive, busy and nerve-wrecking. I like it. For every moment that I am busy, I am learning how to like my work and also to rant about how I don't get to go home. All rants aside, I kinda enjoy these late hours. Sometimes there is too much fear and anxiety, I think I pressure myself too much. But at the end of the day, no matter how convinced I am of being screwed, things turn out well. Not perfect, well is good enough.

The parking at my new place sucks big time! There is often no more parking when it gets too late. Plus, people there double park everywhere, most of them not having the decency to at least leave a name card or contact number on their dashboard so that they can be called to move their cars if needed. What's worse about this is that the indoor parking area actually has cement water leaking from the ceiling. I parked my car there last night and my car was splattered with this water and has some hardened white stains on it. Gahh... I hope it can be washed off.

Umphhh... miss randomly posting random nothings.

My zodiac says that March is gonna be a killer month. Conflicts and a lot of work happening. Hah! Come what may la.

Ta!

Bodohs of #16

It's now time to move away from this safe haven called SK #16, a place I've lived for the past year, fabulously flaunting the idea of living freely and brilliantly as a final year student. Of my four years in LUCT, it was the fourth year that truly defined my whole university experience. Through my awesome house mates, I had a wonderful time and got to be myself, crazy, loud, lame joker and most of the time without sense. I used to tell my best friends back home, when I leave uni, there won't be any people that I will miss. It wasn't that people weren't nice, it's just that no one really left a mark.

But my experience with the crazy bunch in #16 enabled me to take back those words. Leaving this house is easy, it's separating from these people that is hard.

Dear Jet, excuse my ease with and constant poking fun at you. It was all in good humour, right?

Dear Ting Ting, it was destressing just barging into your room and kacau you for no good reasons. Thank you for putting up with me.

Dear Shiau Fong, I have never met anyone that has yet to rival you when it comes to being nice. Don't be so nice can or not??? But then again, never change, you're great the way you are!

Lastly, my 最佳損友, Ms 541. I can finally be rid of your awful influence! And yet, I'll miss you the most. Thank you for laughing with me all these while.

We will all be working now, going our separate ways, meeting new house mates. I really don't know how long this friendship will last. Just a while ago, while packing, I threw away a musical ceramic thing from some really good friends couple of years back. Back then, it felt like we could say anything to each other. And now, I could just throw away the present without the slightest guilt, maybe just a tinge of regret of what could have been.

No one can tell what is to become of friendships years down the road. All I can say now is, come what may, it has been grand. Thank you, bodohs of #16!

I am gonna live goddammit!! If I'm gonna die, I'll die by own hands, thankyouverymuch! So yea, no more chicken shit. I am gonna live and be happy. Screw it all. Tsk.

I Can't Wait to...

1. Be reunited with my car.

2. Get my first pay.

3. Go home for Chinese New Year.

Work's swell, but I'd love to have the holiday I denied myself. Why-o-why?

I think I need to revamp this space. Um.

11.1.11 Resolutions

Is it too late for new year resolutions? What the hell, don't think I'll succeed, but heck, what the hell.

1. Be happy.

2. Learn how to make things move.

3. Learn how to code (pass if I can make my own website).

4. Illustrate.

5. Read 50 books in 2011.

6. Start and finish my Eason Chan artbook.

7. Save money for camera, laptop and holiday. (so not gonna happen, at least not all three at the same time)

8. Run.

9. Lose fat, be healthy.

10. Be happy.

Tsk. I used to make lists like this. Never worked. O well. I'll at least try.

What the Modern Woman Wants...

Got this in the email today from Mom. A very good read. Puts the mind into perspective when it gets too preoccupied with just materials.

***

What the Modern Woman Wants...
By Amanda Chong Wei-Zhen

The old woman sat in the backseat of the magenta convertible as it
careened down the highway, clutching tightly to the plastic bag on her lap,
afraid it may be kidnapped by the wind. She was not used to such speed, with
trembling hands she pulled the seat belt tighter but was careful not to touch
the patent leather seats with her callused fingers, her daughter had warned
her not to dirty it, 'Fingerprints show very clearly on white, Ma.'

Her daughter, Bee Choo, was driving and talking on her sleek silver
mobile phone using big words the old woman could barely understand.
'Finance', 'Liquidation', 'Assets', 'Investments'... Her voice was crisp and
important and had an unfamiliar lilt to it.

Her Bee Choo sounded like one of those foreign girls on television.
She was speaking in an American accent.
The old lady clucked her tongue in disapproval...... 'I absolutely
cannot have this. We have to sell!' Her daughter exclaimed agitatedly as
she stepped on the accelerator; her perfectly manicured fingernails gripping
onto the steering wheel in irritation.

'I can't DEAL with this anymore!' she yelled as she clicked the
phone shut and hurled it angrily toward the backseat.. The mobile phone hit
the old woman on the forehead and nestled soundlessly into her lap. She
calmly picked it up and handed it to her daughter..

'Sorry, Ma,' she said, losing the American pretence and switching
to Mandarin. 'I have a big client in America . There have been a lot of
problems.'

The old lady nodded knowingly. Her daughter was big and
important.

Bee Choo stared at her mother from the rear view window, wondering
what she was thinking. Her mother's wrinkled countenance always carried the
same cryptic look. The phone began to ring again, an artificially cheerful
digital tune, which broke the awkward silence.

'Hello, Beatrice! Yes, this is Elaine.' Elaine. The old woman
cringed. I didn't name her Elaine. She remembered her daughter telling
her, how an English name was very important for 'networking', Chinese ones
being easily forgotten.

'Oh no, I can't see you for lunch today. I have to take the
ancient relic to the temple for her weird daily prayer ritual.'
Ancient Relic. The old woman understood perfectly it was
referring to her. Her daughter always assumed that her mother's silence
meant she did not comprehend.

'Yes, I know! My car seats will be reeking of joss sticks!' The
old woman pursed her lips tightly, her hands gripping her plastic bag in
defence.

The car curved smoothly into the temple courtyard. It looked
almost garish next to the dull sheen of the ageing temple's roof. The old
woman got out of the back seat, and made her unhurried way to the main hall.
Her daughter stepped out of the car in her business suit and
stilettos and reapplied her lipstick as she made her brisk way to her mother's
side.

'Ma, I'll wait outside.. I have an important phone call to make,'
she said, not bothering to hide her disgust at the pungent fumes of incense.
The old lady hobbled into the temple hall and lit a joss stick, she
knelt down solemnly and whispered her now familiar daily prayer to the Gods.
Thank you God of the Sky, you have given my daughter luck all these
years. Everything I prayed for, you have given her. She has everything a
young woman in this world could possibly want. She has a big house with a
swimming pool, a maid to help her, as she is too clumsy to sew or cook. Her
love life has been blessed; she is engaged to a rich and handsome angmoh man.
Her company is now the top financial firm and even men listen to what she
says... She lives the perfect life. You have given her everything except
happiness. I ask that the gods be merciful to her even if she has lost her
roots while reaping the harvest of success.

What you see is not true, she is a filial daughter to me. She
gives me a room in her big house and provides well for me. She is rude to me
only because I affect her happiness.. A young woman does not want to be
hindered by her old mother. It is my fault.

The old lady prayed so hard that tears welled up in her eyes.
Finally, with her head bowed in reverence she planted the half-burnt joss
stick into an urn of smoldering ashes.

She bowed once more. The old woman had been praying for her
daughter for thirty-two years. When her stomach was round like a melon, she
came to the temple and prayed that it was a son.
Then the time was ripe and the baby slipped out of her womb,
bawling and adorable with fat thighs and pink cheeks, but unmistakably, a
girl. Her husband had ticked and punched her for producing a useless baby
who could not work or carry the family name.

Still, the woman returned to the temple with her new-born girl tied
to her waist in a sarong and prayed that her daughter would grow up and have
everything she ever wanted.

Her husband left her and she prayed that her daughter would never
have to depend on a man. She prayed every day that her daughter would be a
great woman, the woman that she, meek and uneducated, could never become. A
woman with nengkan; the ability to do anything she set her mind to. A woman
who commanded respect in the hearts of men. When she opened her mouth to
speak, precious pearls would fall out and men would listen. She will not be
like me, the woman prayed as she watched her daughter grow up and drift away
from her, speaking a language she scarcely understood..

She watched her daughter transform from a quiet girl to one who
openly defied her, calling her laotu, old fashioned.... She wanted her
mother to be 'modern', a word so new there was no Chinese word for it.
Now her daughter was too clever for her and the old woman wondered
why she had prayed like that. The Gods had been faithful to her persistent
prayer, but the wealth and success that poured forth so richly had buried the
girl's roots and now she stood faceless with no identity, bound to the soil of
her ancestors by only a string of origami banknotes.

Her daughter had forgotten her mother's value. Her wants were so
ephemeral, that of a modern woman. Power, wealth, access to the best fashion
boutiques and yet her daughter had not found true happiness.
The old woman knew that you could find happiness with much less.
When her daughter left the earth, everything she had would count for
nothing. People would look to her legacy and say that she was a great woman
but she would be forgotten once the wind blows over, like the ashes of burnt
paper convertibles and mansions.

The old woman wished she could go back and erase all her big hopes
and prayers for her daughter now that she had looked out of the temple gates.
She saw her daughter speaking on the phone, her brow furrowed with anger and
worry. Being at the top is not good, the woman thought, there is only one
way to go from there – down.

The old woman carefully unfolded the plastic bag and spread out a
packet of beehoon in front of the altar. Her daughter often mocked her for
worshipping porcelain Gods. How could she pray to them so faithfully and
expect pieces of ceramic to fly to her aid? But her daughter had her own
gods too, idols of wealth, success and power that she enslaved to and
worshipped every day of her life.

Every day was a quest for the idols, and the idols she worshipped
counted for nothing in eternity. All the wants her daughter had would slowly
suck the life out of her and leave her, an empty souless shell at the altar.
The old woman watched the joss stick. The dull heat had left a
teetering grey stem that was on the danger of collapsing.

Modern woman nowadays, the old lady signed in resignation, as she
bowed to the east bone final time to end her ritual. Modern woman nowadays
want so much that they lose their souls and wonder whey they cannot find it.
Her joss stick disintegrated into a soft grey powder. She met her
daughter outside the temple, the same look of worry and frustration was etched
on her daughter's face.

An empty expression, as if she was ploughing through the soil of
her wants looking for the one thing that would sown the seeds of happiness.
They climbed into the convertible in silence and her daughter drove
along the highway, this time not to fast as she had done before.
‘Ma,’ Bee Choo finally said. "I don't know how to put this.
Mark and I have been talking about it and we plan to move out of the big
house. The property market is good now, and we managed to get a buyer
willing to pay us seven million for it. We decided we'd prefer a cosier
penthouse apartment instead. We found a perfect one in Orchard Road .. Once
we move into our apartment, we plan to get rid of the maid, so we can have
more space to ourselves....."

The old woman nodded knowingly. Bee Choo swallowed hard. "We'd
get someone to come in to do the housework and we can eat out – but once the
maid is gone, there won't be anyone to look after you. You will be awfully
lonely at home and, besides that the apartment is rather small. There won't
be space. We thought about it for a long time, and we decided the best thing
for you is if you moved to a Home. There's one near Hougang – it's a
Christian home and a very nice one."

The old woman did not raise an eyebrow. I"ve been there, the
matron is willing to take you in. It's beautiful with gardens and lots of
old people to keep you company! Hardly have time for you, you'd be happier
there." "You'd be happier there, really." her daughter repeated as if to
affirm herself.

This time the old woman had no plastic bag of food offering to
cling tightly to, she bit her lip and fastened her seat belt, as if it would
protect her from a daughter who did not want her anymore. She sunk deep into
the leather seat, letting her shoulders sag and her fingers trace the white
seat.

Ma, her daughter asked, searching the rear view window for her
mother. "Is everything okay?

What had to be done, had to be done. "Yes" she said firmly,
louder than she intended, 'if it will make you happy,' she added more
quietly..

‘It's for you, Ma! You will be happier there. You can move
there tomorrow, I already got the maid to pack your things.' Elaine said
triumphantly, mentally ticking yet another item off her agenda.
'I knew everything would be fine.' Elaine smiled widely; she felt
liberated. Perhaps getting rid of her mother would make her happier... She
had thought about it. It seemed the only hindrance in her pursuit of
happiness. She was happy now. She had everything a modern woman ever
wanted; money, status, career, love, power and now freedom without her mother
and her old-fashioned ways to weigh her down......

Yes she was free. Her phone butted urgently, she picked it up and
read the message, still beaming from ear to ear. "Stock 10% increase."
Yes, things were definitely beginning to look up for her and while
searching for the meaning of life in the luminance of her hand phone screen,
the old woman in the backseat became invisible and she did not see her in
tears.

I have a dream. I will not forget.

For 2011

Let's just say I failed rather brilliantly in keeping my 2010 resolution. Nevermind what it was now, thing is, I never stood by it. Upheld it for about two months, then no more. Life's too busy laa! Right.

For a while there I didn't feel like making any new resolutions for the new year. But then it struck me that it's not the resolution that matters (eg eat healthily, do not procrastinate, smile more etc) but rather the kind of attitude and frame of mind I am going to set myself into for the rest of the year.

I didn't fulfill my 2010 resolution which was, alright, commit myself to a design a day. However, I think I have lived the spirit of 2010, which was to go all out and simply be brilliant.

2011 shall mark the first year of me working as a professional designer. No more student designer bs. I am trying to get myself past pondering what I didn't get to do and focus instead on what I am going to do. This simple task has the magical ability to transform regrets and fear into anticipation and excitement.

For 2011, I am going to be brave.

Brave new environments.

Brave new people.

Brave new challenges.

Brave tough times.

Come what may, I will be brave!

I love what Rui seemed to be saying a lot these days: It will get better. I don't think 2011 will be easy but heck, it will be good. I will make it good.